I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
he fucked my hip out of place.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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