Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
