You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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