my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
