Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
