Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
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