Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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