Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
