I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
