pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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