Pants 0. Shit 1.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
