You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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