i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
