you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
