Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
