i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
