i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Randomize
