I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight