My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...