***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
