I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
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