You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
