but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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