I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
