dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
