we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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