I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
