I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
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