I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Randomize
