if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
