Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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