i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
