Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
