Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
