Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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