someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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