I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
