take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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