ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
