tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
