I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
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