I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
