He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
