my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
