I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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