I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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