I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
