So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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