You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
