So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
