True but thats because hes a fetus.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
