I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
