OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
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Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
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I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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