i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
