splinters make it hard to masturbate
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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