Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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