"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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