This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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