i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
