Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
